Looking ahead to September

I've been here before.  I've thought ahead, and planned for September.  I did it in 2010 and I did it again this year.  I tried not to, I really did, but it happened. 

For many people, September is the real start to a new year.  The September to June year...school.  Not only is my daughter headed into grade 3 this year, but September brings my husband returning to work in the classroom each fall.  Most years I actually look forward to this.  I like to get back to our regular schedule, with routines and set schedules in place.  I find it helps me stay grounded. 

As a babyloss mom, I've learned not to plan for many things.  I learned that planning ahead doesn't always help.  I learned that the hard way. 

When pregnant with James, I planned a lot about the first year in my head.  We had moved when we were pregnant with him, so our daughter would be starting kindergarten in our new neighbourhood.  We would meet new people, as we walked to school.  I remember thinking how I would enjoy walking her to school, pushing the stroller with her baby brother inside.  I was glad I was going to be on maternity leave for her kindergarten year.  It would be a good transition year, for both of us.  Sadly, that did not happen.  She started kindergarten that year, but there was no baby stroller walking with her to school.  Instead, there was a mom who drove her daughter to school as close to the bell as possible so that I could race back home to bed as soon as I dropped her off.  That mom tried to avoid eye contact with other moms because she knew how painful those first conversations were going to be.  The conversations when you meet other parents:  "how many kids do you have?", "what grades are your kids in?", "is she an only child?" ...those questions.  I couldn't avoid all contact, no matter how hard I tried.  So, over time I met a few other moms, mostly due to their persistance of saying hello, and I'm not one to not say hello if someone says hello to me.  At first, I took what I thought was the easy road and just agreed that Marissa was my only child.  It tore me apart though, not acknowledging my precious son, who I'd held in my arms just months prior.  I felt a lot of guilt, for a long time.  Slowly as I got to know a few moms, I shared a little bit more of my story with them, and that I had a son as well who had been stillborn.  I am so thankful for those handful of moms who made me feel safe enough to share.  These are the same moms I stand with now, a few years later at drop-off and pick-up.  I must admit, I still try to avoid too many conversations with moms I don't know, as those new conversations are still tough for me. 

That was September 2010.  Here we are, three years later, September 2013.  My planning in my head earlier this year was that I would begin my maternity leave at the beginning of this month.  Marissa and I would have some time transitioning into grade 3, and we anticipated her brother joining us mid-late September (he was due October 11, but 36 weeks had been our goal).  I would most likely not be walking her to school this month, but was looking ahead to October.  Once baby had arrived, we would do that walk together, that one I dreamed of doing back in 2010, pushing her brother in the stroller, walking her to school.  That won't be happening again this September.

September has to be planned differently again this year.  I need to re-think the plan, re-word the plan.  I myself am not just beginning my maternity leave this month, rather, I soon will be finishing my maternity leave, returning to work mid-October.  I look today at the month ahead of me, and I ask myself, what do I do?  I have this whole month that is mine and mine alone.

Alone. 

That is what scares me.  That is what is giving me some anxiety right now.

Zachary was born still on June 15.  Chris only worked a few days at the end of June, and has been off all summer.  Marissa finished school at the end of June, so has been home all summer.  My parents were here for the first few weeks after Zach was born and we have been blessed to spend quite a bit of time with them this summer.  Add all this up, and I have not been alone, not one day, since Zach died.

This year, September doesn't bring anticipation as it was planned.  It brings "alone".

So, in looking ahead to the month of September, I have made a new plan...yes another plan! 

My plan is ME.  I am calling it a month for me!  I've decided that I will not repeat September 2010.  I will not race home to go back to bed after taking my daughter to school.  My plan is simple and not at all complete.  My plan is to let September flow, take each day, each moment as it comes.  I plan on walking to school some days.  I plan on getting back to the gym.  I plan on getting ready for the gym each morning and going there or to a park for a walk right after school drop-off.  This way I am not going home to be alone there quite so early in the day.  I plan on having tea or lunch dates with friends when it works in our schedules.  I plan on working outside in the yard.  And I plan on getting creative, working on some scrapbooking and mixed media art projects that I have been wanting to delve into.  I plan on cooking fresh, healthy dinners for my family.  I plan on having one goal each morning that I have for the day.  I will not plan these ahead of time, but rather decide that day what it looks like.  Some days may be bigger or smaller goals than other days.  After accomplishing my exercise and my goal for the day, if I feel like having a nap, I will.  It won't be an every day thing, or an all day thing, it will be a sometimes I just feel like a nap kind of thing.  This is a month that I want to look back on and say, yeah, I had a month all to myself, all for myself, and feel like I used the time on my own to help me move through my grief.

So there it is, my new September 2013 plan. Not how I had imagined or planned for...but a plan nonetheless.