Halloween

I've never really been a halloween person, not even as a kid.  It was never my favourite "holiday".  Then I became a mom.  That changes everything.  For my daughter's first few years, we had so much fun picking out her costume and dressing her up.  We would decorate and take her trick-or-treating.  We reminisced at dinner tonight about all her costumes over the years.  She's been a ladybug, a pink dragon, elmo, strawberry shortcake, and then there were her princess years, two as Sleeping Beauty and another as Belle.  Last year she went a bit scary and was a vampiress and tonight she was a "kind" witch.  She loved talking about all her costumes and hearing stories of her first years of trick-or-treating.  I was having a fun time, remembering with her.  She even asked about what my costumes were as a kid.  I started to list a few, and then I started remembering what I was one year, and what my sister and brother wore that same year.  All of a sudden I was overwhelmed.  I went into the bathroom to try to pull myself together.  I was overcome with sadness.  Tonight, my daughter should be sharing with her brothers.  I envision James would probably have wanted to be Batman or some other superhero at three and a half and Zachary, I would have found a cute little pumpkin costume to put him into.  Trick-or-treating shouldn't have been as easy as it was tonight.  I should have been pushing a buggy, and chasing after a three year old who was chasing after his big sister.  These days meant for children, they are hard for babyloss families.  We enjoy the moments, but at times they are difficult and overwhelming.  I accept that this is the way it is.  I just wish it wasn't so...

Awareness Walk, Sunday October 13

Today we will walk.  We will walk in memory of our two precious sons/brothers/grandsons, James and Zachary and for all babies who have died too soon.  Stillbirth and infant death is real, and it affects so many families.  It is a silent traumatic grief that families have to live with.  Grieving mothers, fathers, siblings, grandparents and extended family and friends should not have to live in silence and should not have to walk through their grief alone.  There are others, too many others that are living without their precious children.  Grief support and bereavement services for this type of child death are hard to find.  Three years ago, when my son James was stillborn, I felt I was on my own.  I didn't find the support I was searching for.  This year, after the stillbirth of my son Zachary, I have found support.  Just over a year ago, a non-profit organization called Still Life Canada formed here in Vancouver.  I am so thankful for the community of support it provides.  Today, Still Life Canada will hold its Second Annual Awareness Walk.  The purpose of the walk is to come together in mutual support to celebrate and remember our babies and connect with other families affected by stillbirth and neonatal death.  Please click here to find all the details.

As part of the Awareness Walk, Still Life Canada asks you to consider bringing a new pair of children's shoes to donate in memory of a child who was stillborn or died after birth.  On Saturday I went shopping to find shoes to donate in memory of James and Zachary.  I wanted to donate shoes that I would have purchased for my sons, if they were here with us today.  It was a difficult trip to the shoe store because when buying shoes for Marissa, I always have her with me so she is there to try them on.  James and Zachary were there with me, but I kept wandering back and forth between sizes, wondering, moreso for James, what size would he be wearing today.  We finally decided on a pair of rainboots for James.  He would be three and a half, and most certainly jumping in puddles through the winter.  Marissa loved the Spiderman ones for James, and was so excited to have picked them out for her brother.  For Zachary, she picked a little pair of runners, with Elmo on them.  It was a moment where she got to be a big sister.  I loved seeing the thoughtfulness she put into picking the perfect shoes for her brothers. 

We are all looking forward to the walk.  It is important to connect with other babyloss families, to celebrate and remember their babies and ours, together.




Rainboots to be donated in memory of James

Baby shoes to be donated in memory of Zachary

                                                  A glimpse of what should be.

Today

Today...I was supposed to hear you cry for the first time.
I never heard you cry.

Today...I was supposed to hold you in my arms for the first time.
I held you in my arms for the first time and the last time, on the same day.

Today...I was supposed to nurse you.
I never got to nurse you.  My milk came but you were already gone.

Today...I was supposed to be in awe of your little fingers and toes and the way you wiggle your nose.
I was in awe. I loved your fingers and toes and your nose and every inch of you.

Today...I was supposed to smile with excitement.
Excitement is not a word for me today.  I will smile.  I remember you and I smile.

Today...I was supposed to introduce you to your big sister.
She got to meet you, to hold you and to feel her place as a big sister. 

Today...I was supposed to be tired after a long nine months, and labour and delivery of you.
I am tired.  Grief is tiring.

Today...I was supposed to welcome you.
I already had to say goodbye.

I love you Zachary. 
I miss you today, always and forever.