The Zoo is not somewhere we visit often. I am not really a fan to be honest. I much prefer animals live where they are supposed to, in the wild, in the country and region where they are native to. Before becoming a mother, I struggled with the decision of whether I would ever take my children to the zoo because I feel so strongly about natural habitats and the humane treatment of animals. However eventually I did decide that we would make a few trips to the zoo over the years. My reasoning for this is that I wanted my children to discover and love nature and natural things just as I do. I want them to respect the environment and all that lives and breathes in it. I want them to discover the vast world we live in and the diversity of it and all that this world offers. I decided that in my lifetime I would not be able to take them to all the places I wanted them to see and discover the truly incredible biodiversity that exists: Africa, Asia, the Rainforests of South America, the Galapagos, Australia, Antarctica and so many more. The Zoo was going to help take them there and give them a glimpse to what exists out there. I believe if we don't get to see and experience these creatures that roam our earth and oceans, we won't learn about them as we should. A book can only take us so far. We need to see and smell the animals of the wild to truly appreciate their awesomeness.
We are in Seattle for a few days. Yesterday we decided to go to the Woodland Park Zoo. We had never been there before.
As a family we have been to the Portland Zoo back in 2009, when Marissa was our only child. I can remember it being a fantastic day, full of fun and laughter and discovery.
In 2010 we went to the San Diego Zoo on our first vacation after James' stillbirth. It was a difficult day as I remember thinking that I should be one of those moms pushing a stroller with my son in it. I know I put on a brave face that day for my daughter, my husband, my family. But I can't remember thinking at any point that it was a fun day.
That brings us to yesterday. Yesterday the zoo was a bittersweet day for me. We did have a good day together, discovering and learning. There was even some laughter. But it was hard too. I had tears on numerous occasions. It seemed as though it was pregnancy day at the zoo. It didn't matter where we were, there was one, two or more mom's who were expecting. There were even more mom's pushing strollers. Then there were the families...the ones I really noticed were the ones with an older daughter and two younger sons, or an older daughter, a younger son and a pregnant mom. I wasn't bitter or angry at seeing these people or families. I was saddened. I was saddened because of the other family that should have been there, our family. At one point I sat on a bench and as Marissa was running around discovering things, Chris came and sat beside me. He said I looked sad. I was sad. I was watching Marissa, and thinking that she should be holding her brother's hand, or chasing after him, or telling him that the animals can't hurt us at the zoo, so not to be afraid. I was really missing James. I would look for little boys that I thought were around 3, and watch in awe of their discovery of things. Then, I would touch my belly, longing for the kicks that should be there with Zachary. I missed him too, very much. I should be that mom, with her daughter and son in tow, and another on the way. Sadly, I'm not.
I am the mother watching her daughter, in awe of her energy, her desire to learn, and her uncanny ability to give me a hug exactly when I need it. I am the mother who grieves that her two boys are not there. I carry them with me in my heart, and let them know how much they would have liked the family trip to the zoo. I am the mother who sits on the bench, taking a break, reading a grief book when walking to each exhibit was too much for me because it meant either seeing the new cubs who had recently been born or hearing about the giraffe who is due any day now. I am the mother who smiles and laughs at the same time as my heart aches and tears fall.
Our family trips to the Zoo...3 trips...one kid, two kids, three kids. Its interesting to me, this whole parenting after loss world, and parenting our children who are no longer here. Yesterday I did take my three kids to the zoo. They each got a piece of me, just as they should. The trips to the zoo have definitely been full of discovery, and certainly most of which has nothing to do with the animals.
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