Anger

Powerful anger.  Anger that comes from deep within.  I hadn't experienced this type of anger, until yesterday.  It was so intense and so real.  It appeared and I let it stay.  I let it move through me.  I let it run its course.  I am trying to live in the moment these days, allowing my feelings to guide me through my days.

This was a tough one to allow to stick around.  I wanted to shove Mrs. Anger away and tell her there was no place for her here.  But that's not true.  She has a place, and she is real and intense.  Mrs. Anger is as much a part of grief as any other participant. 

I allowed Mrs. Anger to appear.  I allowed her to enter my thoughts and curse all that I needed her to.  I embraced her for the moments she was here.  We went on not one, but two walks together, we went for tea with a friend and we wrote a poem together.  We even let my husband in on our day and embraced Mrs. Anger for who she was.  We youtubed "Anger Rooms" to see others destruction in controlled environments.  It was my wish to take all our dishes and smash them on the ground, or  throw them against the wall.  I wanted to, but I didn't.  I just wanted to see them shatter to pieces, like my heart has been shattered. 

In the past, I've tried to supress Mrs. Anger.  I've tried to push her away.  This has only resulted in turning her anger on others, specifically my family.  In the past, I would have found some reason to lash out at my husband or daughter.  It only made it worse, as then Mr. Guilt would join in and we'd have quite the angry, guilty pity party together.  She wanted to stay for days back then.

It is strange to say that I am proud of myself for letting Mrs. Anger visit, but I am.  I am proud that she stayed for the day, wreaked havoc with my sleep last night, but then moved on.  When I awoke this morning, she wasn't here.  She only wanted to visit for the day yesterday, and I let her, so she moved on. 

I know this wasn't Mrs. Anger's only visit.  She'll be back.  At least now I know I don't have to hide from her, because I know she'll leave.