Monday, September 16, 2013

3 Heartstrings

The UPS man came to the door.  I was not expecting anything.  No idea what was in the package.  I opened the package.  And this is what I pulled out...
 

It is beautiful.  My eyes swelled with tears and I let it all out.  My daughter was home from school already.  She witnessed the grief full on.  It was such a powerful moment.  I was looking at all three of my children's names together for the first time, and probably one of the only times.  I felt such sadness and such joy.  To see all three of my children's names engraved on a beautiful pendant holds such deep meaning for me.  Acknowledgement.  So many babyloss families never have their babies acknowledged. This pendant represents so much to me.

Looking further at the pendant, I saw 3 hearts, each on a string.  My emotions overflowed.  There was a note inside with the pendant:

Jaime, This is called 3 heartstrings, for those that hold onto our heart & have heard it.  Love Jodi

Heartstrings.  This has become an important term to our family in the past year.  Our daughter had developed a high sense of anxiety.  She had a fear of being alone or left alone, an intense fear of something going wrong or an occurance of a natural disaster such as an earthquake or fire and a fear of a lockdown happening at school.  The anxiety she was having was becoming more intense for her.  We tried numerous strategies of how to help her get through these anxieties, but to no avail, we could not alleviate or help her through these times.  We actually had started to enable her fears  and anxieties further by giving in to her rituals that she had created to help her cope through them.  We knew we had to do something other than what we were doing.  So, last fall, about a year ago, we found a Counselor that specializes in working with children with fears and anxiety and is also a Play Therapist.  It didn't take long and the strategies that her Counselor used started to help her.  Heartstrings was one such strategy.

She taught our daughter that even though we may not always be with her physically, we were always with her, in our hearts.  The strategy was simple:  when she began to feel alone or scared or that something bad was going to happen, she just needed to pull on her heartstrings, and by doing so, mommy and daddy would feel her pulling them, and we would pull on our heartstrings so she would feel us too.  It was a strategy that she was to use that would be like giving a virtual hug to mommy and daddy even when we weren't there.  It is a magical strategy that has worked amazingly well over the past year.  She learned many more coping strategies and we are so proud of the work she has done to help herself.  Her fears and anxieties are now under control and manageable.  Our concerns have been alleviated.  And, our family always has our heartstrings to pull on when we need to.  Sometimes Marissa asks if I felt her heartstrings during the day, and other days, I ask her.  It is part of our vocabulary.

I had never translated this over to my boys.  Never.  Not until I received this pendant.  This made me cry even more.  Of coarse!  Why hadn't I thought of it myself?!  I can pull my heartstrings when the pain of loss is so intense, so that James and Zachary can feel it and know that their mommy misses them so very much.  I can pull my heartstrings when we are having a joyous day, and I am wishing my boys were here to experience it.  If I can pull my heartstrings, and I know they will feel it, then they too can pull their heartstrings so I can feel it.  Another connection to my boys has just opened up.

Going back to the note I received with the necklace...for those that hold onto our heart & have heard it...I hadn't thought of this before.  I hadn't thought specifically that Marissa, James and Zachary have all heard my heart from the inside.  They know me from there, they have heard my heart beat and they know my heart beats for them, for each of them.  Magical, meaningful words that I will hold in my heart and my head as I move forward.

I cannot write this post without thanking the person who sent me this most treasured piece of jewellry.  This is a person whom I love very much.  She tracked the delivery of this piece and knew that I had received it.  She didn't hear from me for days.  She was worried she had offended me or angered me for sending it.  She started second guessing herself.  I simply couldn't call at first.  Each time I took the necklace and note out of the package, I wept.  It was tears of grief, tears of love and tears of joy.  I couldn't call because I knew I couldn't talk about it without breaking down.  She finally called me, as she couldn't wait to hear if I liked it.  It was to her great relief to hear of my love for the pendant.  This treasure was sent to me by my sister, Jodi.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  I have pulled my heartstrings to thank you, and know that your nephews have pulled theirs too.  They are happy that you have given them another gateway to their mom.

I am grateful for my 3 heartstrings, today and always.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Beautiful family

For a long time I have grappled with feelings that my family is not or does not feel complete.  I have believed that adding another child or children will give me that feeling of "complete".  Over the past couple of days, I have come to the realization that no matter how many more children I have, or if I don't have any more, that physical feeling of completeness will never come.  It cannot.  There will always be two missing pieces to our family.  Two very important and loved souls, who are not with us here physically.  There will always be empty chairs, beds, backpacks, halloween costumes, stockings and easter baskets.  There will always be less arms to hug, scrapped knees to fix, sports games to attend.  I live each day with my arms 1/3 full.  However, in the same breath, they are here.  They are here in our hearts, in our words and in our actions.  James and Zachary will always be a part of our family, and they do complete it. My arms may be 1/3 full but my heart is full and overflowing.

I was talking to my Doctor of TCM the other day, someone who has become a trusted friend along this path.  I was telling him of some doubts and fears that I had about next steps whatever that may look like.  One of the things he said to me is "you have a beautiful family."  I cannot remember most of the other words we spoke that day, of where I am at and what I am working on and towards. But I do remember these words: you have a beautiful family.  I have repeated that over and over in my head, and it has now become: I have a beautiful family.  Sometimes we just need simple words and nudges to help us work through and resolve complex thoughts.

Last night was one of those difficult nights.  Nights where I remember everything and question everything.  I was back in the doctor's office, the ultrasound room, the delivery room.  I was back in the place where I realized that my baby had died, two of my babies had died.  I was so overcome by my grief.  Then I was angry.  How could this have happened to us?  How could this have happened to us, twice?  I want my babies with me.  I want them home, here, with us, with our family.  Chris was there with me as I walked through these dark moments.  He sat with me, he talked with me, some of his words comforted me, others just made me more angry, others so grateful.  He made it a safe place to be.  He reminded me of a time when it was just the two of us, struggling to build our family.  We were a beautiful family then, the two of us.  He remembers me saying, why can't we just have one baby, why is this so difficult?  That is many years and many difficulties ago.  I did eventually have that one baby I so desparately wanted, and she stole our hearts.  She made us into our beautiful family of three.  To some, that is all they see, and all they will ever know and see of our family.  But there is more to the story and more to this beautiful family.  More years and struggles later, a tiny little boy made our beautiful family grow into four.  He too stole our hearts and took a piece of them with him.  This year, our family grew once more.  We welcomed another little boy into our beautiful family.  There are now five of us, eventhough some only see three.  I have a husband who I cherish and love, I have a daughter who I adore and who taught me how to be a mom, and continues to teach me daily what love and compassion are, I have a son who has taught me more about myself than anyone before him and I have another son who has given me courage and strength that I didn't know I have.  That does make me feel complete.  It doesn't yet answer the question where do we go from here, but that's okay.  I have a beautiful family, and for that I am grateful today and always.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Maternity Leave after stillbirth (in Canada)

Mothers of stillborn babies are entitled to a maternity leave.  At their time of need, they should not have to try and decipher the logistics of the application process, nor should they have to defend to others how and why they are entitled to this leave.

The conversation goes something like this: 

THEM:  Are you off work today?

ME:  Yes.

THEM:  Lucky.  How long are you on vacation for?

ME:  I'm not on vacation.

THEM:  Oh. Just a day here, a day there?

ME:  No, I'm off until mid-October sometime.

THEM:  Why?

ME:  I'm on maternity leave.

THEM:  Why do you get maternity leave?

Why do I get maternity leave you ask? I am on maternity leave because I had a baby.  I gave birth.  My body needs time to heal, just as any mother's does, whether she gets to take her baby home or not.  My body physically endured that which any mother does after she gives birth.  My hormones are out of whack.  My body aches.  My milk comes and is painful for the length it stays, as a cruel reminder of what I have that I cannot give my child.  On top of that I am emotionally broken.  I am grieving.  My baby died.  I said hello and goodbye to my baby at the same time.

In Canada, women who give birth after 20 weeks gestation are entitled to Maternity Leave, whether or not their child is born alive.  The first 15 weeks of Maternity Leave are meant for healing the mother.  The Government of Canada recognizes this and women can collect Employment Insurance (EI) for this leave.  (The second part of the EI entitlement is called Parental Leave, and is 35 weeks, and this is granted for parents of living children only, as this time is for nurturing and caring for your living child, and can be used by either mother or father, or a combination of both). 

As I work in the human resources field, I was compelled to write this post, as I am always surprised as to the number of people who are unaware of this.  This is information that all new mothers/fathers and all employers need to be aware of.  With all the forms in the hospital that we are given and have to fill in, this should be included as an important fyi/how to document.  When you are faced with delivering your dead baby, the last thing you need to worry about is your financial situation.  You just need to know what you need to do and how to do it.  An additional point I should mention is on top of the EI, women should also be aware of their entitlements under their employment contracts.  You should look into it, and if top-up is a part of your maternity leave entitlement at work, you may be eligible for that top-up as well.

Regardless if I am entitled to maternity leave benefits or not, I would not be back at work yet.  I am approaching the 3 month mark of the death and stillbirth of my son.  I need time.  The first month I was in shock as to what had happened.  I was physically feeling the aftermath of giving birth.  I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that my son was no longer here with us.  By the second month, most of my physcial aches had disappeared, although I was still not sleeping.  This is where the emotional and mental aches really came to the surface for me.  The inital shock had dissipated.  I knew I had to face my grief head on and really take things as they came.  This is what I am doing.  This will be a life long journey.  As I am walking this path through my third month, reality is now starting to set in.  This is my life, I have scars on my heart that will never heal.  Grief as I've learned affects each of us differently and affects us differently each time we are faced with an additional grief.  We need to take the time we need to take to help us on our way.

I wrote this poem while on leave after the stillbirth of my first son, James in 2010. I haven't shared it until now:

I may look like I am ready to be at work.
You cannot see the inside of my brain.
I cannot concentrate.
I cannot focus.
I cannot comphrehend.
It does not make me feel better to be busy.
Pressuring me will not help.
I will not forget.
I will not move on.
I will not just have another baby.
I want him, no other.
I may look like I am ready to be at work.
You cannot see the inside of my brain.
My mind wanders.
I do not sleep.
I get out of bed because I have to, not because I want to.
I can't take care of me.
How can I take care of others?
How can I go sit in an office and pretend that is where I am supposed to be?
I am supposed to be rocking my baby to sleep.
I am supposed to be changing diapers.
I am supposed to be breastfeeding.
I am not supposed to be at work.
I can't.
I may look like I am ready to be at work.
You cannot see the inside of my brain.
Do not tell me what I am ready for.
I may look like I am ready to be at work.
But I am not.

In my mind right now, I will be returning to work in mid-October, after my maternity leave is finished.  Today this is the truth.  I will see where I am at in another month and see if that is the reality.  I am okay not knowing right now.  In 2010, I needed more time.  I had my 15 weeks maternity leave and I wasn't there, I wasn't able to return to work at that time.  I ended up being away for about 9 months back then.  My point here is that there is no time limit and no right or wrong.  You may feel ready to return right away, or you may need to take 4 months, or 9 months, a year, or never return to that employment, but rather make a career change.  You need to do what is right for you.

If you are reading this and know someone who may not know they are entitled to a maternity leave, please share this information.  They are welcome to contact me and I can try to assist them with navigating through the process.