It is beautiful. My eyes swelled with tears and I let it all out. My daughter was home from school already. She witnessed the grief full on. It was such a powerful moment. I was looking at all three of my children's names together for the first time, and probably one of the only times. I felt such sadness and such joy. To see all three of my children's names engraved on a beautiful pendant holds such deep meaning for me. Acknowledgement. So many babyloss families never have their babies acknowledged. This pendant represents so much to me.
Looking further at the pendant, I saw 3 hearts, each on a string. My emotions overflowed. There was a note inside with the pendant:
Jaime, This is called 3 heartstrings, for those that hold onto our heart & have heard it. Love Jodi
Heartstrings. This has become an important term to our family in the past year. Our daughter had developed a high sense of anxiety. She had a fear of being alone or left alone, an intense fear of something going wrong or an occurance of a natural disaster such as an earthquake or fire and a fear of a lockdown happening at school. The anxiety she was having was becoming more intense for her. We tried numerous strategies of how to help her get through these anxieties, but to no avail, we could not alleviate or help her through these times. We actually had started to enable her fears and anxieties further by giving in to her rituals that she had created to help her cope through them. We knew we had to do something other than what we were doing. So, last fall, about a year ago, we found a Counselor that specializes in working with children with fears and anxiety and is also a Play Therapist. It didn't take long and the strategies that her Counselor used started to help her. Heartstrings was one such strategy.
She taught our daughter that even though we may not always be with her physically, we were always with her, in our hearts. The strategy was simple: when she began to feel alone or scared or that something bad was going to happen, she just needed to pull on her heartstrings, and by doing so, mommy and daddy would feel her pulling them, and we would pull on our heartstrings so she would feel us too. It was a strategy that she was to use that would be like giving a virtual hug to mommy and daddy even when we weren't there. It is a magical strategy that has worked amazingly well over the past year. She learned many more coping strategies and we are so proud of the work she has done to help herself. Her fears and anxieties are now under control and manageable. Our concerns have been alleviated. And, our family always has our heartstrings to pull on when we need to. Sometimes Marissa asks if I felt her heartstrings during the day, and other days, I ask her. It is part of our vocabulary.
I had never translated this over to my boys. Never. Not until I received this pendant. This made me cry even more. Of coarse! Why hadn't I thought of it myself?! I can pull my heartstrings when the pain of loss is so intense, so that James and Zachary can feel it and know that their mommy misses them so very much. I can pull my heartstrings when we are having a joyous day, and I am wishing my boys were here to experience it. If I can pull my heartstrings, and I know they will feel it, then they too can pull their heartstrings so I can feel it. Another connection to my boys has just opened up.
Going back to the note I received with the necklace...for those that hold onto our heart & have heard it...I hadn't thought of this before. I hadn't thought specifically that Marissa, James and Zachary have all heard my heart from the inside. They know me from there, they have heard my heart beat and they know my heart beats for them, for each of them. Magical, meaningful words that I will hold in my heart and my head as I move forward.
I cannot write this post without thanking the person who sent me this most treasured piece of jewellry. This is a person whom I love very much. She tracked the delivery of this piece and knew that I had received it. She didn't hear from me for days. She was worried she had offended me or angered me for sending it. She started second guessing herself. I simply couldn't call at first. Each time I took the necklace and note out of the package, I wept. It was tears of grief, tears of love and tears of joy. I couldn't call because I knew I couldn't talk about it without breaking down. She finally called me, as she couldn't wait to hear if I liked it. It was to her great relief to hear of my love for the pendant. This treasure was sent to me by my sister, Jodi. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have pulled my heartstrings to thank you, and know that your nephews have pulled theirs too. They are happy that you have given them another gateway to their mom.
I am grateful for my 3 heartstrings, today and always.
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