Mothers of stillborn babies are entitled to a maternity leave. At their time of need, they should not have to try and decipher the logistics of the application process, nor should they have to defend to others how and why they are entitled to this leave.
The conversation goes something like this:
THEM: Are you off work today?
ME: Yes.
THEM: Lucky. How long are you on vacation for?
ME: I'm not on vacation.
THEM: Oh. Just a day here, a day there?
ME: No, I'm off until mid-October sometime.
THEM: Why?
ME: I'm on maternity leave.
THEM: Why do you get maternity leave?
Why do I get maternity leave you ask? I am on maternity leave because I had a baby. I gave birth. My body needs time to heal, just as any mother's does, whether she gets to take her baby home or not. My body physically endured that which any mother does after she gives birth. My hormones are out of whack. My body aches. My milk comes and is painful for the length it stays, as a cruel reminder of what I have that I cannot give my child. On top of that I am emotionally broken. I am grieving. My baby died. I said hello and goodbye to my baby at the same time.
In Canada, women who give birth after 20 weeks gestation are entitled to Maternity Leave, whether or not their child is born alive. The first 15 weeks of Maternity Leave are meant for healing the mother. The Government of Canada recognizes this and women can collect Employment Insurance (EI) for this leave. (The second part of the EI entitlement is called Parental Leave, and is 35 weeks, and this is granted for parents of living children only, as this time is for nurturing and caring for your living child, and can be used by either mother or father, or a combination of both).
As I work in the human resources field, I was compelled to write this post, as I am always surprised as to the number of people who are unaware of this. This is information that all new mothers/fathers and all employers need to be aware of. With all the forms in the hospital that we are given and have to fill in, this should be included as an important fyi/how to document. When you are faced with delivering your dead baby, the last thing you need to worry about is your financial situation. You just need to know what you need to do and how to do it. An additional point I should mention is on top of the EI, women should also be aware of their entitlements under their employment contracts. You should look into it, and if top-up is a part of your maternity leave entitlement at work, you may be eligible for that top-up as well.
Regardless if I am entitled to maternity leave benefits or not, I would not be back at work yet. I am approaching the 3 month mark of the death and stillbirth of my son. I need time. The first month I was in shock as to what had happened. I was physically feeling the aftermath of giving birth. I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that my son was no longer here with us. By the second month, most of my physcial aches had disappeared, although I was still not sleeping. This is where the emotional and mental aches really came to the surface for me. The inital shock had dissipated. I knew I had to face my grief head on and really take things as they came. This is what I am doing. This will be a life long journey. As I am walking this path through my third month, reality is now starting to set in. This is my life, I have scars on my heart that will never heal. Grief as I've learned affects each of us differently and affects us differently each time we are faced with an additional grief. We need to take the time we need to take to help us on our way.
I wrote this poem while on leave after the stillbirth of my first son, James in 2010. I haven't shared it until now:
I may look like I am ready to be at work.
You cannot see the inside of my brain.
I cannot concentrate.
I cannot focus.
I cannot comphrehend.
It does not make me feel better to be busy.
Pressuring me will not help.
I will not forget.
I will not move on.
I will not just have another baby.
I want him, no other.
I may look like I am ready to be at work.
You cannot see the inside of my brain.
My mind wanders.
I do not sleep.
I get out of bed because I have to, not because I want to.
I can't take care of me.
How can I take care of others?
How can I go sit in an office and pretend that is where I am supposed to be?
I am supposed to be rocking my baby to sleep.
I am supposed to be changing diapers.
I am supposed to be breastfeeding.
I am not supposed to be at work.
I can't.
I may look like I am ready to be at work.
You cannot see the inside of my brain.
Do not tell me what I am ready for.
I may look like I am ready to be at work.
But I am not.
In my mind right now, I will be returning to work in mid-October, after my maternity leave is finished. Today this is the truth. I will see where I am at in another month and see if that is the reality. I am okay not knowing right now. In 2010, I needed more time. I had my 15 weeks maternity leave and I wasn't there, I wasn't able to return to work at that time. I ended up being away for about 9 months back then. My point here is that there is no time limit and no right or wrong. You may feel ready to return right away, or you may need to take 4 months, or 9 months, a year, or never return to that employment, but rather make a career change. You need to do what is right for you.
If you are reading this and know someone who may not know they are entitled to a maternity leave, please share this information. They are welcome to contact me and I can try to assist them with navigating through the process.
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