For a long time I have grappled with feelings that my family is not or does not feel complete. I have believed that adding another child or children will give me that feeling of "complete". Over the past couple of days, I have come to the realization that no matter how many more children I have, or if I don't have any more, that physical feeling of completeness will never come. It cannot. There will always be two missing pieces to our family. Two very important and loved souls, who are not with us here physically. There will always be empty chairs, beds, backpacks, halloween costumes, stockings and easter baskets. There will always be less arms to hug, scrapped knees to fix, sports games to attend. I live each day with my arms 1/3 full. However, in the same breath, they are here. They are here in our hearts, in our words and in our actions. James and Zachary will always be a part of our family, and they do complete it. My arms may be 1/3 full but my heart is full and overflowing.
I was talking to my Doctor of TCM the other day, someone who has become a trusted friend along this path. I was telling him of some doubts and fears that I had about next steps whatever that may look like. One of the things he said to me is "you have a beautiful family." I cannot remember most of the other words we spoke that day, of where I am at and what I am working on and towards. But I do remember these words: you have a beautiful family. I have repeated that over and over in my head, and it has now become: I have a beautiful family. Sometimes we just need simple words and nudges to help us work through and resolve complex thoughts.
Last night was one of those difficult nights. Nights where I remember everything and question everything. I was back in the doctor's office, the ultrasound room, the delivery room. I was back in the place where I realized that my baby had died, two of my babies had died. I was so overcome by my grief. Then I was angry. How could this have happened to us? How could this have happened to us, twice? I want my babies with me. I want them home, here, with us, with our family. Chris was there with me as I walked through these dark moments. He sat with me, he talked with me, some of his words comforted me, others just made me more angry, others so grateful. He made it a safe place to be. He reminded me of a time when it was just the two of us, struggling to build our family. We were a beautiful family then, the two of us. He remembers me saying, why can't we just have one baby, why is this so difficult? That is many years and many difficulties ago. I did eventually have that one baby I so desparately wanted, and she stole our hearts. She made us into our beautiful family of three. To some, that is all they see, and all they will ever know and see of our family. But there is more to the story and more to this beautiful family. More years and struggles later, a tiny little boy made our beautiful family grow into four. He too stole our hearts and took a piece of them with him. This year, our family grew once more. We welcomed another little boy into our beautiful family. There are now five of us, eventhough some only see three. I have a husband who I cherish and love, I have a daughter who I adore and who taught me how to be a mom, and continues to teach me daily what love and compassion are, I have a son who has taught me more about myself than anyone before him and I have another son who has given me courage and strength that I didn't know I have. That does make me feel complete. It doesn't yet answer the question where do we go from here, but that's okay. I have a beautiful family, and for that I am grateful today and always.
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