And here we go again. Another year. This particular year starts on January 31st for me.
Today last year was truly an incredible day. Today last year we found out we were expecting.
I didn't quite believe it at first. I was so used to taking pregnancy tests and them being negative that it was just routine for me to take the test and not pay attention to the results because inevitably it would have only one line. That morning I took the test and then jumped in the shower. I went about my morning routine so we could get out of the house on time. Just before heading downstairs I looked at the test, braving myself for another disappointment. However when I looked there was not only one line, there were two. What? I actually grabbed the package to read the instructions I had read too many times but I thought maybe two lines meant something other than pregnant. Nope, that's what it meant. My husband already had left for work and was going to be occupied all day so he couldn't look at it. I called a girlfriend and asked if we could meet. I needed her to read it and make sure I wasn't just seeing things. I also took it with me to an appointment. Yup I was right. I was pregnant.
One may think that it was a completely joyous day. It wasn't. It couldn't be. It will never be for a mom who has already said hello and goodbye to her child in the same day. When you have walked the path of having a stillborn baby, a new pregnancy does not make you simply forget what happened to your much loved and cherished baby that died. Emotions run through you. Fear sets in. Belief that what happened before will happen again.
Today last year I was joyful. I was hopeful. I was scared. I was shocked. I was terrified. I was not excited. My husband was and he had to be for both of us. We were pregnant and we were having another baby, our third child, our rainbow.
That same day, I received other news. I had been through a long two month recruitment process for a new job that I had really wanted. I said to my husband that afternoon, "just watch how this day unfolds, I'm going to get a job offer today." He laughed, we both laughed. Twenty minutes later the phone rang and I was indeed offered the position I had hoped for.
So there it was. One day, two huge life changes.
It didn't take me long to know what I had to do about the job offer. I had been so ready to start a new chapter in my career. But I couldn't say yes. The job was with a new employer, a full time position and required travel, especially in the first six months of employment. I could not take that on. I needed the stability of my current role which I'd been doing for six years, it was part time and I knew I would have flexibility with all the extra doctor's appointments I would be having with this pregnancy. I had to say no for my baby. My fears told me that if I took a new job and if it was stressful and something went wrong with my baby that I would never forgive myself for putting my career over my child. My children come first. So, within the next few days, I declined the job offer.
Today last year. Here comes another year of reliving last year. Reliving Zachary's too short life. I have already done this once before, the today last year after James' stillbirth. I still have days in my mind from back in 2010, I guess that's today four years ago.
I know some people say not to look backwards, not to go there. Move forward they say. I am and I do everyday. I know it is January 31, 2014. I know I cannot dwell. But here's the thing, I don't believe I am dwelling on anything.
I remember days and events from years past in my living daughter's life. I have eight years of theses memories. It is perfectly acceptable for me to bring up these memories and talk about them and share them. No one ever says I am dwelling in the past when I share her history.
My memories of my sons will not disappear because they are dead. They will not disappear because they died before they were born. I have memories and just as with my daughter, when a certain day or date comes up, my memories appear. I welcome these thoughts.
I will enjoy many "today last year" thoughts of Zachary over the next six months. These are the days he lived. These are the days where I first heard his heartbeat, saw him inside of me, felt him flutter and move, had him wave at me during a ultrasound, had the maternal fetal medicine doctor tell me he was perfect, he was healthy and perfect. I will also have the unthinkable today last year memories. The ones where he wasn't moving where we found out he died, our afternoon of June 14 and the labour and birth of my perfect little boy on June 15. I will remember holding him in my arms and having his sister meet him and hold him. I will remember the following six months, and how life changed forever for us again.
It will be a year of today last year moments. These are the moments of my sons' life. My son Zachary lived and these are the memories I have of him. I have loved him from before he was conceived, but today last year I fell in love with him. The day I found out he was living inside me, he was my child and the choices I made that day were because I loved him. I still love him. I will forever love him.
Today last year. It is a day we will remember always.
