Nurturing our marriage, 20 minutes a day

Early on, just a week or two after Zach's stillbirth, I remember sitting in my Dr. of TCM's office and looking at him, shaking, crying.  He asked me how my husband and I were doing?  I said to him, I'm not sure my marriage can survive another round of grief like this.  Not only was I mourning the loss of my precious child and all that comes with that, I was seeing a bleak future because of where I'd been in the past.  I knew the world of darkness and loneliness, and I was certain I was on a one-way trip back.

After James' stillbirth in 2010, we had a very rocky road.  Sure, we loved each other and promised to be by each other's side.  We had our daughter to think of too.  Our vows back in 2002 had in them "for the good and the bad, the happy and the sad."  We were very innocent and naive as to the extent of what those words could mean to us.  You cannot predict the future.  We didn't know at the time that we would face such an uphill battle towards building our family.  We didn't know the struggles we would have with infertility, or having a "preemie" at 33 weeks or having our next baby die and be stillborn.   Before James, we had ups and downs, after James, we had a whole lot more downs.  Grief took over.  I was in darkness for a very long time.  I shut down emotionally with everyone in my life, including my husband.  We existed together, but didn't connect for so long.  We grieved differently, each on our own.  I'm not saying it was always difficult, but more often than not, we were "fighting" to be together. 

In May 2012, we had an all out "say what you feel" kind of argument one night.  It was there that we made a decision together.  We didn't want it to be this way for the rest of our lives, we needed to find a way to make it work, to truly be in this together or we needed to go our separate ways.  We love each other, at that point we'd loved each other for nearly 13 years.  We so badly wanted to make our marriage work.  We agreed that we would give it our all for one more year.  We would be supportive of each other, and really work on us.  At the end of that year, we would re-evaluate. 

It really was a life-changing year in so many ways.  I took myself on a health journey I've never been on before, and really saw changes that I will keep working towards for my lifetime.  We cautiously supported each other, as best we could.  We had bumps in the road, but we had so many successes together too.  By the time we discovered we were expecting Zach, we were at a good place.  My fears throughout my pregnancy were always eased by his words, actions and faith that all would be well.  I believed him.  When Zach died I didn't know what to do, I was so lost and so broken and I didn't want to believe anyone that I would be okay, that we would be okay.  We had lost Zach, and now, our year was up, were we going to lose each other too?

New parents are always subject to unsolicited advice.  Do this, don't do that, how could you think of doing that?  Newly bereaved parents are also recipients of this type of advice.  I remember when James died, and now again when Zach died, how people would say, "make sure to take the time for the two of you", "you two need to be there for each other", "you are going through this together", etc.  So many ways to say it, but none were tangible statements of "how to."

This brings me back to my Dr. of TCM's office...he had a "how to."  A very simple piece of advice:  Take 20 minutes a day with each other.  A real 20 minutes, with no tv, no computer, no phones, no distractions, etc.  Just the two of us, alone, together.  Spend that time talking.  When there is nothing left to talk about, hold each other. 

That piece of advice has changed our lives.  In our most sorrowful time, we are together.  We still do not grieve in the same way, but we talk about it.  We both talk.  We both cry.  We both laugh.  We can just be silent, together.  Each day is different.  It is our "20 minute" time.  We carve it out each and every day.  Believe me, we still have our moments. But we talk about it later. We work through whatever it was, and even if we disagree, we seem to be able to get through it a lot easier.

The amazing part of this 20 minute time?  It carries over throughout our days.  We are more present for each other.  We connect more.  We smile at each other, we hold hands more, we hug more.  We are respecting each other, giving each other the time and space we need.  We are more connected now than we have been in years, if not ever.  We crave our "20 minutes" daily.

This time has become a way for us to work through our grief together, but also, it has become a habit.  It is one we have vowed will become a lifelong habit.  It is a way to honour each other and nurture each other.  I can honestly say that my fear of losing our marriage because of grief is gone.  In a way, grief has given us our marriage back.

Whether you have been thrown into grief like we have been or not, this is the best piece of marriage communication advice I've ever been given.  I had to share our story, in the hopes that it could be helpful for others in their own marriages.  If you are finding yourself "out of sync" with your spouse, give "20 minute time" a try.  In our busy, "connected" world that we live in, sometimes we forget our most important "connection", the one we love. 

Today is my husband's birthday.  I love you with all my heart Chris, Happy Birthday my love!  Yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever, I am so grateful for you and all that you bring to my life.  Thank you for walking this path with me, and believing in us enough to get us to today.  I am proud to be your wife and the mother of your children.  Thank you for taking care of us, and picking up the broken pieces of my heart, and helping glue them back together.