I could think of no other way to start my blog, than to share my eulogy that I wrote and read at my son's Remembrance Service on June 25, 2013. Their story is my story...
Thank you for joining us today. We are overwhelmed and humbled by all of your support. You have wrapped us in your love and prayers and we really appreciate it. Please bare with me here. I need to share with you our story. We are here today to honour and remember our two little boys, Zachary and James. Please though, accept this as a time to honour and remember your own stories of loss and infertility. I know many of you in this room have gone through your own loss and struggles, some who've graciously shared your stories with me, and some who may not have shared your stories with anyone. This service is for all of us and our babies who left too soon.
Chris and my journey into parenthood starts 11 years back. When we were married, we knew that building our family was our greatest goal. Growing up, I always thought having 2 kids would be ideal, but somewhere, the idea of having a bigger family, with 4 kids running around became my dream. It became clear early on in our marriage that infertility would be something we faced. I have an illness that gives challenges to conceiving. However, that has never held us back from following our dream. 3 years after we were married, our dream of a child came true. Our daughter, Marissa, our angel here on earth came to our family. Her entry into the world is a story in and of itself. Her strength from the day she was born all through her 8 years to date has been truly incredible. She really is a hero in my eyes and heart. She is and has been one of our greatest blessings. Having her only made our dream of a big family more intense. The love we have for her could only grow stronger with adding to our family.
Fast forward 5 years. 5 more years of disappointment and infertility. In the fall of 2009 we discovered that we were finally expecting again. The process had been a long one, tough on both my body and mentally. But our goal had been achieved. We were going to have a baby, a little brother for Marissa. Everything was well with our pregnancy. From the moment I was pregnant, that little guy let me know he was there. I can only imagine his feisty personality, showing his mom who was boss. I had morning sickness every day of that pregnancy. It was not until our 18 week ultrasound that we discovered the devastating news. Something was wrong, and our little boy was not growing as he should. He was too small they said. He most likely won't make it. We could do nothing, but believe and pray that all would be well. We made the choice to carry on with our pregnancy, as our little boy deserved a fighting chance. He fought hard, and tried his best. Unfortunately, his little heart gave out 5 weeks later. He died in my womb at 23 weeks.
Our son, James was born sleeping on March 27, 2010. He was a perfectly formed little boy who joined our family for way too short a time. His loss was devastating and too much for us to bare. We lost ourselves after his loss. We retreated and closed ourselves off from the rest of the world. We couldn't let others in and felt we needed to grieve on our own. Me moreso than Chris. For almost 2 years I spiralled and was in a place of darkness. There are a few of you in this room who without you, I may not be here today to share our story. I, we thank you for not giving up on me and helping me through my darkness. James was so tiny, but a perfect precious little boy.
After much soul searching, we knew our family wasn't complete. We knew it would be difficult, but we also knew that we were not ready to let go of our hopes and dreams for our family that we had been trying to build for almost 10 years. In the fall of 2011 we again started fertility treatments. What worked to bring us Marissa, didn't work this time. What worked to bring us James, didn't work this time. It was April 2012 when we sat in our fertilty specialist's office where she told us that it was likely not possible for us to ever have another child.
I started to spiral again. I could not believe what she had said. At that point, I had to make a choice. I had to give in and believe what she said, or I had to find another route. Really it wasn't a choice, we truly believed our family wasn't complete. But we also knew, we could not continue the same path, and continue using fertility drugs that had wreaked havoc on my body and mind for almost 10 years.
In June 2012 I walked into the office of the most amazing medical professional, who has helped me in so many ways over this past year. Where western medicine told me it was impossible, my Doctor of TCM, told me it was possible. I have worked with him for just over a year now. Through his guidance and support, and an understanding of my underlying illness, truly incredible things have happened in my life. First and foremost, acceptance of where I am at. I have also truly felt happiness for the first time in many years. He made no promises, but gave hope. When at the end of January we discovered we were pregnant, it was a total shock and really I had a hard time believing it. This was our first natural pregnancy.
These past six months really have been a textbook pregnancy. All has been well. I have been monitored closely by my incredible team of doctors. Every one of them were so happy with how well it was going. I must admit, I was so nervous to even talk about the pregnancy. I knew all was well, and I just needed to get through these months ahead. Where James was a feisty little guy who let me know daily he was there, this little guy, Zachary had a very content personality. He seemed happy where he was, and never gave me any trouble as far as morning sickness, or uncomfortableness. He grew as he was supposed to. All his tests that were run in utero were all good, some doctor's even using the word perfect. By about 20 weeks, I relaxed a bit, and started to truly feel the joy of my pregnancy and the excitement of what it meant to our family. I felt Zach's butterfly movements, and knew he was safe and sound inside of me...I was thinking he would love gymnastics as much as his big sister does.
Being monitored closely, I had weekly appointments with one doctor or another. I had constant reassurance that things were going well. It was on Friday June 14, at 23 weeks, when things went terribly wrong. I had made an appointment to go get a prescription. As with all my appointments, we went to do a quick ultrasound at the end, just to see him and say a quick hello. It was there in the doctor's office where we saw no heartbeat. I didn't and couldn't believe it. It couldn't be true. I was sent to Women's to use their high tech scanner. This is where Chris met me and it was confirmed. Our baby had died. Our perfect little boy, who had been growing and thriving so well wasn't with us anymore. They do not know at this point why his heart stopped.
Needless to say, the next little bit was a time of shock and still is. Whereas with James we had 5 weeks of time to prepare for this news, with Zachary, there was no warning. In an instant our lives have changed again.
After a long induction and labour, our precious, sweet angel Zachary was born still just after 3pm on Saturday June 15. He was exactly the size he was supposed to be, and a very beautiful little boy. Marissa had picked the name Zachary, and we are so thankful she gave him the perfect name. She was able to come to the hospital and meet her little brother. Eventhough those were again some of the hardest moments of our lives, they were also very sweet. To watch a big sister hold her little brother and play with his tiny little fingers and stroke his face made my heart melt. When James was born, we remained at the hospital for only a few hours. I was able to hold him and meet him, but said goodbye to him very shortly after. With Zachary, we made another choice. I was staying at the hospital over night. I was able to have Zachary in my room with me overnight. It was me and him. We got to know each other that night, a night I will never forget. I was able to have Zach in a bassinette right beside me. I would spend time holding him, cuddling him, singing to him and telling him stories I needed him to hear. I was able to sleep knowing he was beside me. So I would sleep for a few hours and cuddle for a few hours. Back and forth all night. It was a night I have not had with any of my kids but Zach. I always felt I missed that with Marissa, as I didn't have her beside me the night she was born...not for two weeks until she left the NICU. So this time I had with Zach was truly a blessing. In the morning, I knew I had to say goodbye. Eventhough it was one short night, I will have that memory of my peaceful baby all my life.
Chris and my journey into parenthood starts 11 years back. When we were married, we knew that building our family was our greatest goal. Growing up, I always thought having 2 kids would be ideal, but somewhere, the idea of having a bigger family, with 4 kids running around became my dream. It became clear early on in our marriage that infertility would be something we faced. I have an illness that gives challenges to conceiving. However, that has never held us back from following our dream. 3 years after we were married, our dream of a child came true. Our daughter, Marissa, our angel here on earth came to our family. Her entry into the world is a story in and of itself. Her strength from the day she was born all through her 8 years to date has been truly incredible. She really is a hero in my eyes and heart. She is and has been one of our greatest blessings. Having her only made our dream of a big family more intense. The love we have for her could only grow stronger with adding to our family.
Fast forward 5 years. 5 more years of disappointment and infertility. In the fall of 2009 we discovered that we were finally expecting again. The process had been a long one, tough on both my body and mentally. But our goal had been achieved. We were going to have a baby, a little brother for Marissa. Everything was well with our pregnancy. From the moment I was pregnant, that little guy let me know he was there. I can only imagine his feisty personality, showing his mom who was boss. I had morning sickness every day of that pregnancy. It was not until our 18 week ultrasound that we discovered the devastating news. Something was wrong, and our little boy was not growing as he should. He was too small they said. He most likely won't make it. We could do nothing, but believe and pray that all would be well. We made the choice to carry on with our pregnancy, as our little boy deserved a fighting chance. He fought hard, and tried his best. Unfortunately, his little heart gave out 5 weeks later. He died in my womb at 23 weeks.
Our son, James was born sleeping on March 27, 2010. He was a perfectly formed little boy who joined our family for way too short a time. His loss was devastating and too much for us to bare. We lost ourselves after his loss. We retreated and closed ourselves off from the rest of the world. We couldn't let others in and felt we needed to grieve on our own. Me moreso than Chris. For almost 2 years I spiralled and was in a place of darkness. There are a few of you in this room who without you, I may not be here today to share our story. I, we thank you for not giving up on me and helping me through my darkness. James was so tiny, but a perfect precious little boy.
After much soul searching, we knew our family wasn't complete. We knew it would be difficult, but we also knew that we were not ready to let go of our hopes and dreams for our family that we had been trying to build for almost 10 years. In the fall of 2011 we again started fertility treatments. What worked to bring us Marissa, didn't work this time. What worked to bring us James, didn't work this time. It was April 2012 when we sat in our fertilty specialist's office where she told us that it was likely not possible for us to ever have another child.
I started to spiral again. I could not believe what she had said. At that point, I had to make a choice. I had to give in and believe what she said, or I had to find another route. Really it wasn't a choice, we truly believed our family wasn't complete. But we also knew, we could not continue the same path, and continue using fertility drugs that had wreaked havoc on my body and mind for almost 10 years.
In June 2012 I walked into the office of the most amazing medical professional, who has helped me in so many ways over this past year. Where western medicine told me it was impossible, my Doctor of TCM, told me it was possible. I have worked with him for just over a year now. Through his guidance and support, and an understanding of my underlying illness, truly incredible things have happened in my life. First and foremost, acceptance of where I am at. I have also truly felt happiness for the first time in many years. He made no promises, but gave hope. When at the end of January we discovered we were pregnant, it was a total shock and really I had a hard time believing it. This was our first natural pregnancy.
These past six months really have been a textbook pregnancy. All has been well. I have been monitored closely by my incredible team of doctors. Every one of them were so happy with how well it was going. I must admit, I was so nervous to even talk about the pregnancy. I knew all was well, and I just needed to get through these months ahead. Where James was a feisty little guy who let me know daily he was there, this little guy, Zachary had a very content personality. He seemed happy where he was, and never gave me any trouble as far as morning sickness, or uncomfortableness. He grew as he was supposed to. All his tests that were run in utero were all good, some doctor's even using the word perfect. By about 20 weeks, I relaxed a bit, and started to truly feel the joy of my pregnancy and the excitement of what it meant to our family. I felt Zach's butterfly movements, and knew he was safe and sound inside of me...I was thinking he would love gymnastics as much as his big sister does.
Being monitored closely, I had weekly appointments with one doctor or another. I had constant reassurance that things were going well. It was on Friday June 14, at 23 weeks, when things went terribly wrong. I had made an appointment to go get a prescription. As with all my appointments, we went to do a quick ultrasound at the end, just to see him and say a quick hello. It was there in the doctor's office where we saw no heartbeat. I didn't and couldn't believe it. It couldn't be true. I was sent to Women's to use their high tech scanner. This is where Chris met me and it was confirmed. Our baby had died. Our perfect little boy, who had been growing and thriving so well wasn't with us anymore. They do not know at this point why his heart stopped.
Needless to say, the next little bit was a time of shock and still is. Whereas with James we had 5 weeks of time to prepare for this news, with Zachary, there was no warning. In an instant our lives have changed again.
After a long induction and labour, our precious, sweet angel Zachary was born still just after 3pm on Saturday June 15. He was exactly the size he was supposed to be, and a very beautiful little boy. Marissa had picked the name Zachary, and we are so thankful she gave him the perfect name. She was able to come to the hospital and meet her little brother. Eventhough those were again some of the hardest moments of our lives, they were also very sweet. To watch a big sister hold her little brother and play with his tiny little fingers and stroke his face made my heart melt. When James was born, we remained at the hospital for only a few hours. I was able to hold him and meet him, but said goodbye to him very shortly after. With Zachary, we made another choice. I was staying at the hospital over night. I was able to have Zachary in my room with me overnight. It was me and him. We got to know each other that night, a night I will never forget. I was able to have Zach in a bassinette right beside me. I would spend time holding him, cuddling him, singing to him and telling him stories I needed him to hear. I was able to sleep knowing he was beside me. So I would sleep for a few hours and cuddle for a few hours. Back and forth all night. It was a night I have not had with any of my kids but Zach. I always felt I missed that with Marissa, as I didn't have her beside me the night she was born...not for two weeks until she left the NICU. So this time I had with Zach was truly a blessing. In the morning, I knew I had to say goodbye. Eventhough it was one short night, I will have that memory of my peaceful baby all my life.
I am a mother who has given birth three times. We are blessed to have our Marissa and to have our two angel boys in our hearts, watching over and taking care of our family.
Thank you for being here. We will need you in the weeks and months to come. We know time will heal, but want you to know we welcome your love and assistance.
In closing, I want to read a short passage from one of Marissa and my favourite author's, Robert Munsch, from his book I'll Love you Forever:
A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held him, she sang:
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.
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