Halloween

I've never really been a halloween person, not even as a kid.  It was never my favourite "holiday".  Then I became a mom.  That changes everything.  For my daughter's first few years, we had so much fun picking out her costume and dressing her up.  We would decorate and take her trick-or-treating.  We reminisced at dinner tonight about all her costumes over the years.  She's been a ladybug, a pink dragon, elmo, strawberry shortcake, and then there were her princess years, two as Sleeping Beauty and another as Belle.  Last year she went a bit scary and was a vampiress and tonight she was a "kind" witch.  She loved talking about all her costumes and hearing stories of her first years of trick-or-treating.  I was having a fun time, remembering with her.  She even asked about what my costumes were as a kid.  I started to list a few, and then I started remembering what I was one year, and what my sister and brother wore that same year.  All of a sudden I was overwhelmed.  I went into the bathroom to try to pull myself together.  I was overcome with sadness.  Tonight, my daughter should be sharing with her brothers.  I envision James would probably have wanted to be Batman or some other superhero at three and a half and Zachary, I would have found a cute little pumpkin costume to put him into.  Trick-or-treating shouldn't have been as easy as it was tonight.  I should have been pushing a buggy, and chasing after a three year old who was chasing after his big sister.  These days meant for children, they are hard for babyloss families.  We enjoy the moments, but at times they are difficult and overwhelming.  I accept that this is the way it is.  I just wish it wasn't so...