Thursday, October 31, 2013
Halloween
I've never really been a halloween person, not even as a kid. It was never my favourite "holiday". Then I became a mom. That changes everything. For my daughter's first few years, we had so much fun picking out her costume and dressing her up. We would decorate and take her trick-or-treating. We reminisced at dinner tonight about all her costumes over the years. She's been a ladybug, a pink dragon, elmo, strawberry shortcake, and then there were her princess years, two as Sleeping Beauty and another as Belle. Last year she went a bit scary and was a vampiress and tonight she was a "kind" witch. She loved talking about all her costumes and hearing stories of her first years of trick-or-treating. I was having a fun time, remembering with her. She even asked about what my costumes were as a kid. I started to list a few, and then I started remembering what I was one year, and what my sister and brother wore that same year. All of a sudden I was overwhelmed. I went into the bathroom to try to pull myself together. I was overcome with sadness. Tonight, my daughter should be sharing with her brothers. I envision James would probably have wanted to be Batman or some other superhero at three and a half and Zachary, I would have found a cute little pumpkin costume to put him into. Trick-or-treating shouldn't have been as easy as it was tonight. I should have been pushing a buggy, and chasing after a three year old who was chasing after his big sister. These days meant for children, they are hard for babyloss families. We enjoy the moments, but at times they are difficult and overwhelming. I accept that this is the way it is. I just wish it wasn't so...
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Awareness Walk, Sunday October 13
Today we will walk. We will walk in memory of our two precious sons/brothers/grandsons, James and Zachary and for all babies who have died too soon. Stillbirth and infant death is real, and it affects so many families. It is a silent traumatic grief that families have to live with. Grieving mothers, fathers, siblings, grandparents and extended family and friends should not have to live in silence and should not have to walk through their grief alone. There are others, too many others that are living without their precious children. Grief support and bereavement services for this type of child death are hard to find. Three years ago, when my son James was stillborn, I felt I was on my own. I didn't find the support I was searching for. This year, after the stillbirth of my son Zachary, I have found support. Just over a year ago, a non-profit organization called Still Life Canada formed here in Vancouver. I am so thankful for the community of support it provides. Today, Still Life Canada will hold its Second Annual Awareness Walk. The purpose of the walk is to come together in mutual support to celebrate and remember our babies and connect with other families affected by stillbirth and neonatal death. Please click here to find all the details.
As part of the Awareness Walk, Still Life Canada asks you to consider bringing a new pair of children's shoes to donate in memory of a child who was stillborn or died after birth. On Saturday I went shopping to find shoes to donate in memory of James and Zachary. I wanted to donate shoes that I would have purchased for my sons, if they were here with us today. It was a difficult trip to the shoe store because when buying shoes for Marissa, I always have her with me so she is there to try them on. James and Zachary were there with me, but I kept wandering back and forth between sizes, wondering, moreso for James, what size would he be wearing today. We finally decided on a pair of rainboots for James. He would be three and a half, and most certainly jumping in puddles through the winter. Marissa loved the Spiderman ones for James, and was so excited to have picked them out for her brother. For Zachary, she picked a little pair of runners, with Elmo on them. It was a moment where she got to be a big sister. I loved seeing the thoughtfulness she put into picking the perfect shoes for her brothers.
We are all looking forward to the walk. It is important to connect with other babyloss families, to celebrate and remember their babies and ours, together.
A glimpse of what should be.
As part of the Awareness Walk, Still Life Canada asks you to consider bringing a new pair of children's shoes to donate in memory of a child who was stillborn or died after birth. On Saturday I went shopping to find shoes to donate in memory of James and Zachary. I wanted to donate shoes that I would have purchased for my sons, if they were here with us today. It was a difficult trip to the shoe store because when buying shoes for Marissa, I always have her with me so she is there to try them on. James and Zachary were there with me, but I kept wandering back and forth between sizes, wondering, moreso for James, what size would he be wearing today. We finally decided on a pair of rainboots for James. He would be three and a half, and most certainly jumping in puddles through the winter. Marissa loved the Spiderman ones for James, and was so excited to have picked them out for her brother. For Zachary, she picked a little pair of runners, with Elmo on them. It was a moment where she got to be a big sister. I loved seeing the thoughtfulness she put into picking the perfect shoes for her brothers.
We are all looking forward to the walk. It is important to connect with other babyloss families, to celebrate and remember their babies and ours, together.
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| Rainboots to be donated in memory of James |
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| Baby shoes to be donated in memory of Zachary |
Friday, October 11, 2013
Today
Today...I was supposed to hear you cry for the first time.
I never heard you cry.
Today...I was supposed to hold you in my arms for the first time.
I held you in my arms for the first time and the last time, on the same day.
Today...I was supposed to nurse you.
I never got to nurse you. My milk came but you were already gone.
Today...I was supposed to be in awe of your little fingers and toes and the way you wiggle your nose.
I was in awe. I loved your fingers and toes and your nose and every inch of you.
Today...I was supposed to smile with excitement.
Excitement is not a word for me today. I will smile. I remember you and I smile.
Today...I was supposed to introduce you to your big sister.
She got to meet you, to hold you and to feel her place as a big sister.
Today...I was supposed to be tired after a long nine months, and labour and delivery of you.
I am tired. Grief is tiring.
Today...I was supposed to welcome you.
I already had to say goodbye.
I love you Zachary.
I miss you today, always and forever.
I never heard you cry.
Today...I was supposed to hold you in my arms for the first time.
I held you in my arms for the first time and the last time, on the same day.
Today...I was supposed to nurse you.
I never got to nurse you. My milk came but you were already gone.
Today...I was supposed to be in awe of your little fingers and toes and the way you wiggle your nose.
I was in awe. I loved your fingers and toes and your nose and every inch of you.
Today...I was supposed to smile with excitement.
Excitement is not a word for me today. I will smile. I remember you and I smile.
Today...I was supposed to introduce you to your big sister.
She got to meet you, to hold you and to feel her place as a big sister.
Today...I was supposed to be tired after a long nine months, and labour and delivery of you.
I am tired. Grief is tiring.
Today...I was supposed to welcome you.
I already had to say goodbye.
I love you Zachary.
I miss you today, always and forever.
Monday, September 16, 2013
3 Heartstrings
The UPS man came to the door. I was not expecting anything. No idea what was in the package. I opened the package. And this is what I pulled out...
It is beautiful. My eyes swelled with tears and I let it all out. My daughter was home from school already. She witnessed the grief full on. It was such a powerful moment. I was looking at all three of my children's names together for the first time, and probably one of the only times. I felt such sadness and such joy. To see all three of my children's names engraved on a beautiful pendant holds such deep meaning for me. Acknowledgement. So many babyloss families never have their babies acknowledged. This pendant represents so much to me.
Looking further at the pendant, I saw 3 hearts, each on a string. My emotions overflowed. There was a note inside with the pendant:
Jaime, This is called 3 heartstrings, for those that hold onto our heart & have heard it. Love Jodi
Heartstrings. This has become an important term to our family in the past year. Our daughter had developed a high sense of anxiety. She had a fear of being alone or left alone, an intense fear of something going wrong or an occurance of a natural disaster such as an earthquake or fire and a fear of a lockdown happening at school. The anxiety she was having was becoming more intense for her. We tried numerous strategies of how to help her get through these anxieties, but to no avail, we could not alleviate or help her through these times. We actually had started to enable her fears and anxieties further by giving in to her rituals that she had created to help her cope through them. We knew we had to do something other than what we were doing. So, last fall, about a year ago, we found a Counselor that specializes in working with children with fears and anxiety and is also a Play Therapist. It didn't take long and the strategies that her Counselor used started to help her. Heartstrings was one such strategy.
She taught our daughter that even though we may not always be with her physically, we were always with her, in our hearts. The strategy was simple: when she began to feel alone or scared or that something bad was going to happen, she just needed to pull on her heartstrings, and by doing so, mommy and daddy would feel her pulling them, and we would pull on our heartstrings so she would feel us too. It was a strategy that she was to use that would be like giving a virtual hug to mommy and daddy even when we weren't there. It is a magical strategy that has worked amazingly well over the past year. She learned many more coping strategies and we are so proud of the work she has done to help herself. Her fears and anxieties are now under control and manageable. Our concerns have been alleviated. And, our family always has our heartstrings to pull on when we need to. Sometimes Marissa asks if I felt her heartstrings during the day, and other days, I ask her. It is part of our vocabulary.
I had never translated this over to my boys. Never. Not until I received this pendant. This made me cry even more. Of coarse! Why hadn't I thought of it myself?! I can pull my heartstrings when the pain of loss is so intense, so that James and Zachary can feel it and know that their mommy misses them so very much. I can pull my heartstrings when we are having a joyous day, and I am wishing my boys were here to experience it. If I can pull my heartstrings, and I know they will feel it, then they too can pull their heartstrings so I can feel it. Another connection to my boys has just opened up.
Going back to the note I received with the necklace...for those that hold onto our heart & have heard it...I hadn't thought of this before. I hadn't thought specifically that Marissa, James and Zachary have all heard my heart from the inside. They know me from there, they have heard my heart beat and they know my heart beats for them, for each of them. Magical, meaningful words that I will hold in my heart and my head as I move forward.
I cannot write this post without thanking the person who sent me this most treasured piece of jewellry. This is a person whom I love very much. She tracked the delivery of this piece and knew that I had received it. She didn't hear from me for days. She was worried she had offended me or angered me for sending it. She started second guessing herself. I simply couldn't call at first. Each time I took the necklace and note out of the package, I wept. It was tears of grief, tears of love and tears of joy. I couldn't call because I knew I couldn't talk about it without breaking down. She finally called me, as she couldn't wait to hear if I liked it. It was to her great relief to hear of my love for the pendant. This treasure was sent to me by my sister, Jodi. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have pulled my heartstrings to thank you, and know that your nephews have pulled theirs too. They are happy that you have given them another gateway to their mom.
I am grateful for my 3 heartstrings, today and always.
It is beautiful. My eyes swelled with tears and I let it all out. My daughter was home from school already. She witnessed the grief full on. It was such a powerful moment. I was looking at all three of my children's names together for the first time, and probably one of the only times. I felt such sadness and such joy. To see all three of my children's names engraved on a beautiful pendant holds such deep meaning for me. Acknowledgement. So many babyloss families never have their babies acknowledged. This pendant represents so much to me.
Looking further at the pendant, I saw 3 hearts, each on a string. My emotions overflowed. There was a note inside with the pendant:
Jaime, This is called 3 heartstrings, for those that hold onto our heart & have heard it. Love Jodi
Heartstrings. This has become an important term to our family in the past year. Our daughter had developed a high sense of anxiety. She had a fear of being alone or left alone, an intense fear of something going wrong or an occurance of a natural disaster such as an earthquake or fire and a fear of a lockdown happening at school. The anxiety she was having was becoming more intense for her. We tried numerous strategies of how to help her get through these anxieties, but to no avail, we could not alleviate or help her through these times. We actually had started to enable her fears and anxieties further by giving in to her rituals that she had created to help her cope through them. We knew we had to do something other than what we were doing. So, last fall, about a year ago, we found a Counselor that specializes in working with children with fears and anxiety and is also a Play Therapist. It didn't take long and the strategies that her Counselor used started to help her. Heartstrings was one such strategy.
She taught our daughter that even though we may not always be with her physically, we were always with her, in our hearts. The strategy was simple: when she began to feel alone or scared or that something bad was going to happen, she just needed to pull on her heartstrings, and by doing so, mommy and daddy would feel her pulling them, and we would pull on our heartstrings so she would feel us too. It was a strategy that she was to use that would be like giving a virtual hug to mommy and daddy even when we weren't there. It is a magical strategy that has worked amazingly well over the past year. She learned many more coping strategies and we are so proud of the work she has done to help herself. Her fears and anxieties are now under control and manageable. Our concerns have been alleviated. And, our family always has our heartstrings to pull on when we need to. Sometimes Marissa asks if I felt her heartstrings during the day, and other days, I ask her. It is part of our vocabulary.
I had never translated this over to my boys. Never. Not until I received this pendant. This made me cry even more. Of coarse! Why hadn't I thought of it myself?! I can pull my heartstrings when the pain of loss is so intense, so that James and Zachary can feel it and know that their mommy misses them so very much. I can pull my heartstrings when we are having a joyous day, and I am wishing my boys were here to experience it. If I can pull my heartstrings, and I know they will feel it, then they too can pull their heartstrings so I can feel it. Another connection to my boys has just opened up.
Going back to the note I received with the necklace...for those that hold onto our heart & have heard it...I hadn't thought of this before. I hadn't thought specifically that Marissa, James and Zachary have all heard my heart from the inside. They know me from there, they have heard my heart beat and they know my heart beats for them, for each of them. Magical, meaningful words that I will hold in my heart and my head as I move forward.
I cannot write this post without thanking the person who sent me this most treasured piece of jewellry. This is a person whom I love very much. She tracked the delivery of this piece and knew that I had received it. She didn't hear from me for days. She was worried she had offended me or angered me for sending it. She started second guessing herself. I simply couldn't call at first. Each time I took the necklace and note out of the package, I wept. It was tears of grief, tears of love and tears of joy. I couldn't call because I knew I couldn't talk about it without breaking down. She finally called me, as she couldn't wait to hear if I liked it. It was to her great relief to hear of my love for the pendant. This treasure was sent to me by my sister, Jodi. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have pulled my heartstrings to thank you, and know that your nephews have pulled theirs too. They are happy that you have given them another gateway to their mom.
I am grateful for my 3 heartstrings, today and always.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Beautiful family
For a long time I have grappled with feelings that my family is not or does not feel complete. I have believed that adding another child or children will give me that feeling of "complete". Over the past couple of days, I have come to the realization that no matter how many more children I have, or if I don't have any more, that physical feeling of completeness will never come. It cannot. There will always be two missing pieces to our family. Two very important and loved souls, who are not with us here physically. There will always be empty chairs, beds, backpacks, halloween costumes, stockings and easter baskets. There will always be less arms to hug, scrapped knees to fix, sports games to attend. I live each day with my arms 1/3 full. However, in the same breath, they are here. They are here in our hearts, in our words and in our actions. James and Zachary will always be a part of our family, and they do complete it. My arms may be 1/3 full but my heart is full and overflowing.
I was talking to my Doctor of TCM the other day, someone who has become a trusted friend along this path. I was telling him of some doubts and fears that I had about next steps whatever that may look like. One of the things he said to me is "you have a beautiful family." I cannot remember most of the other words we spoke that day, of where I am at and what I am working on and towards. But I do remember these words: you have a beautiful family. I have repeated that over and over in my head, and it has now become: I have a beautiful family. Sometimes we just need simple words and nudges to help us work through and resolve complex thoughts.
Last night was one of those difficult nights. Nights where I remember everything and question everything. I was back in the doctor's office, the ultrasound room, the delivery room. I was back in the place where I realized that my baby had died, two of my babies had died. I was so overcome by my grief. Then I was angry. How could this have happened to us? How could this have happened to us, twice? I want my babies with me. I want them home, here, with us, with our family. Chris was there with me as I walked through these dark moments. He sat with me, he talked with me, some of his words comforted me, others just made me more angry, others so grateful. He made it a safe place to be. He reminded me of a time when it was just the two of us, struggling to build our family. We were a beautiful family then, the two of us. He remembers me saying, why can't we just have one baby, why is this so difficult? That is many years and many difficulties ago. I did eventually have that one baby I so desparately wanted, and she stole our hearts. She made us into our beautiful family of three. To some, that is all they see, and all they will ever know and see of our family. But there is more to the story and more to this beautiful family. More years and struggles later, a tiny little boy made our beautiful family grow into four. He too stole our hearts and took a piece of them with him. This year, our family grew once more. We welcomed another little boy into our beautiful family. There are now five of us, eventhough some only see three. I have a husband who I cherish and love, I have a daughter who I adore and who taught me how to be a mom, and continues to teach me daily what love and compassion are, I have a son who has taught me more about myself than anyone before him and I have another son who has given me courage and strength that I didn't know I have. That does make me feel complete. It doesn't yet answer the question where do we go from here, but that's okay. I have a beautiful family, and for that I am grateful today and always.
I was talking to my Doctor of TCM the other day, someone who has become a trusted friend along this path. I was telling him of some doubts and fears that I had about next steps whatever that may look like. One of the things he said to me is "you have a beautiful family." I cannot remember most of the other words we spoke that day, of where I am at and what I am working on and towards. But I do remember these words: you have a beautiful family. I have repeated that over and over in my head, and it has now become: I have a beautiful family. Sometimes we just need simple words and nudges to help us work through and resolve complex thoughts.
Last night was one of those difficult nights. Nights where I remember everything and question everything. I was back in the doctor's office, the ultrasound room, the delivery room. I was back in the place where I realized that my baby had died, two of my babies had died. I was so overcome by my grief. Then I was angry. How could this have happened to us? How could this have happened to us, twice? I want my babies with me. I want them home, here, with us, with our family. Chris was there with me as I walked through these dark moments. He sat with me, he talked with me, some of his words comforted me, others just made me more angry, others so grateful. He made it a safe place to be. He reminded me of a time when it was just the two of us, struggling to build our family. We were a beautiful family then, the two of us. He remembers me saying, why can't we just have one baby, why is this so difficult? That is many years and many difficulties ago. I did eventually have that one baby I so desparately wanted, and she stole our hearts. She made us into our beautiful family of three. To some, that is all they see, and all they will ever know and see of our family. But there is more to the story and more to this beautiful family. More years and struggles later, a tiny little boy made our beautiful family grow into four. He too stole our hearts and took a piece of them with him. This year, our family grew once more. We welcomed another little boy into our beautiful family. There are now five of us, eventhough some only see three. I have a husband who I cherish and love, I have a daughter who I adore and who taught me how to be a mom, and continues to teach me daily what love and compassion are, I have a son who has taught me more about myself than anyone before him and I have another son who has given me courage and strength that I didn't know I have. That does make me feel complete. It doesn't yet answer the question where do we go from here, but that's okay. I have a beautiful family, and for that I am grateful today and always.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Maternity Leave after stillbirth (in Canada)
Mothers of stillborn babies are entitled to a maternity leave. At their time of need, they should not have to try and decipher the logistics of the application process, nor should they have to defend to others how and why they are entitled to this leave.
The conversation goes something like this:
THEM: Are you off work today?
ME: Yes.
THEM: Lucky. How long are you on vacation for?
ME: I'm not on vacation.
THEM: Oh. Just a day here, a day there?
ME: No, I'm off until mid-October sometime.
THEM: Why?
ME: I'm on maternity leave.
THEM: Why do you get maternity leave?
Why do I get maternity leave you ask? I am on maternity leave because I had a baby. I gave birth. My body needs time to heal, just as any mother's does, whether she gets to take her baby home or not. My body physically endured that which any mother does after she gives birth. My hormones are out of whack. My body aches. My milk comes and is painful for the length it stays, as a cruel reminder of what I have that I cannot give my child. On top of that I am emotionally broken. I am grieving. My baby died. I said hello and goodbye to my baby at the same time.
In Canada, women who give birth after 20 weeks gestation are entitled to Maternity Leave, whether or not their child is born alive. The first 15 weeks of Maternity Leave are meant for healing the mother. The Government of Canada recognizes this and women can collect Employment Insurance (EI) for this leave. (The second part of the EI entitlement is called Parental Leave, and is 35 weeks, and this is granted for parents of living children only, as this time is for nurturing and caring for your living child, and can be used by either mother or father, or a combination of both).
As I work in the human resources field, I was compelled to write this post, as I am always surprised as to the number of people who are unaware of this. This is information that all new mothers/fathers and all employers need to be aware of. With all the forms in the hospital that we are given and have to fill in, this should be included as an important fyi/how to document. When you are faced with delivering your dead baby, the last thing you need to worry about is your financial situation. You just need to know what you need to do and how to do it. An additional point I should mention is on top of the EI, women should also be aware of their entitlements under their employment contracts. You should look into it, and if top-up is a part of your maternity leave entitlement at work, you may be eligible for that top-up as well.
Regardless if I am entitled to maternity leave benefits or not, I would not be back at work yet. I am approaching the 3 month mark of the death and stillbirth of my son. I need time. The first month I was in shock as to what had happened. I was physically feeling the aftermath of giving birth. I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that my son was no longer here with us. By the second month, most of my physcial aches had disappeared, although I was still not sleeping. This is where the emotional and mental aches really came to the surface for me. The inital shock had dissipated. I knew I had to face my grief head on and really take things as they came. This is what I am doing. This will be a life long journey. As I am walking this path through my third month, reality is now starting to set in. This is my life, I have scars on my heart that will never heal. Grief as I've learned affects each of us differently and affects us differently each time we are faced with an additional grief. We need to take the time we need to take to help us on our way.
I wrote this poem while on leave after the stillbirth of my first son, James in 2010. I haven't shared it until now:
I may look like I am ready to be at work.
You cannot see the inside of my brain.
I cannot concentrate.
I cannot focus.
I cannot comphrehend.
It does not make me feel better to be busy.
Pressuring me will not help.
I will not forget.
I will not move on.
I will not just have another baby.
I want him, no other.
I may look like I am ready to be at work.
You cannot see the inside of my brain.
My mind wanders.
I do not sleep.
I get out of bed because I have to, not because I want to.
I can't take care of me.
How can I take care of others?
How can I go sit in an office and pretend that is where I am supposed to be?
I am supposed to be rocking my baby to sleep.
I am supposed to be changing diapers.
I am supposed to be breastfeeding.
I am not supposed to be at work.
I can't.
I may look like I am ready to be at work.
You cannot see the inside of my brain.
Do not tell me what I am ready for.
I may look like I am ready to be at work.
But I am not.
In my mind right now, I will be returning to work in mid-October, after my maternity leave is finished. Today this is the truth. I will see where I am at in another month and see if that is the reality. I am okay not knowing right now. In 2010, I needed more time. I had my 15 weeks maternity leave and I wasn't there, I wasn't able to return to work at that time. I ended up being away for about 9 months back then. My point here is that there is no time limit and no right or wrong. You may feel ready to return right away, or you may need to take 4 months, or 9 months, a year, or never return to that employment, but rather make a career change. You need to do what is right for you.
If you are reading this and know someone who may not know they are entitled to a maternity leave, please share this information. They are welcome to contact me and I can try to assist them with navigating through the process.
The conversation goes something like this:
THEM: Are you off work today?
ME: Yes.
THEM: Lucky. How long are you on vacation for?
ME: I'm not on vacation.
THEM: Oh. Just a day here, a day there?
ME: No, I'm off until mid-October sometime.
THEM: Why?
ME: I'm on maternity leave.
THEM: Why do you get maternity leave?
Why do I get maternity leave you ask? I am on maternity leave because I had a baby. I gave birth. My body needs time to heal, just as any mother's does, whether she gets to take her baby home or not. My body physically endured that which any mother does after she gives birth. My hormones are out of whack. My body aches. My milk comes and is painful for the length it stays, as a cruel reminder of what I have that I cannot give my child. On top of that I am emotionally broken. I am grieving. My baby died. I said hello and goodbye to my baby at the same time.
In Canada, women who give birth after 20 weeks gestation are entitled to Maternity Leave, whether or not their child is born alive. The first 15 weeks of Maternity Leave are meant for healing the mother. The Government of Canada recognizes this and women can collect Employment Insurance (EI) for this leave. (The second part of the EI entitlement is called Parental Leave, and is 35 weeks, and this is granted for parents of living children only, as this time is for nurturing and caring for your living child, and can be used by either mother or father, or a combination of both).
As I work in the human resources field, I was compelled to write this post, as I am always surprised as to the number of people who are unaware of this. This is information that all new mothers/fathers and all employers need to be aware of. With all the forms in the hospital that we are given and have to fill in, this should be included as an important fyi/how to document. When you are faced with delivering your dead baby, the last thing you need to worry about is your financial situation. You just need to know what you need to do and how to do it. An additional point I should mention is on top of the EI, women should also be aware of their entitlements under their employment contracts. You should look into it, and if top-up is a part of your maternity leave entitlement at work, you may be eligible for that top-up as well.
Regardless if I am entitled to maternity leave benefits or not, I would not be back at work yet. I am approaching the 3 month mark of the death and stillbirth of my son. I need time. The first month I was in shock as to what had happened. I was physically feeling the aftermath of giving birth. I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that my son was no longer here with us. By the second month, most of my physcial aches had disappeared, although I was still not sleeping. This is where the emotional and mental aches really came to the surface for me. The inital shock had dissipated. I knew I had to face my grief head on and really take things as they came. This is what I am doing. This will be a life long journey. As I am walking this path through my third month, reality is now starting to set in. This is my life, I have scars on my heart that will never heal. Grief as I've learned affects each of us differently and affects us differently each time we are faced with an additional grief. We need to take the time we need to take to help us on our way.
I wrote this poem while on leave after the stillbirth of my first son, James in 2010. I haven't shared it until now:
I may look like I am ready to be at work.
You cannot see the inside of my brain.
I cannot concentrate.
I cannot focus.
I cannot comphrehend.
It does not make me feel better to be busy.
Pressuring me will not help.
I will not forget.
I will not move on.
I will not just have another baby.
I want him, no other.
I may look like I am ready to be at work.
You cannot see the inside of my brain.
My mind wanders.
I do not sleep.
I get out of bed because I have to, not because I want to.
I can't take care of me.
How can I take care of others?
How can I go sit in an office and pretend that is where I am supposed to be?
I am supposed to be rocking my baby to sleep.
I am supposed to be changing diapers.
I am supposed to be breastfeeding.
I am not supposed to be at work.
I can't.
I may look like I am ready to be at work.
You cannot see the inside of my brain.
Do not tell me what I am ready for.
I may look like I am ready to be at work.
But I am not.
In my mind right now, I will be returning to work in mid-October, after my maternity leave is finished. Today this is the truth. I will see where I am at in another month and see if that is the reality. I am okay not knowing right now. In 2010, I needed more time. I had my 15 weeks maternity leave and I wasn't there, I wasn't able to return to work at that time. I ended up being away for about 9 months back then. My point here is that there is no time limit and no right or wrong. You may feel ready to return right away, or you may need to take 4 months, or 9 months, a year, or never return to that employment, but rather make a career change. You need to do what is right for you.
If you are reading this and know someone who may not know they are entitled to a maternity leave, please share this information. They are welcome to contact me and I can try to assist them with navigating through the process.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Looking ahead to September
I've been here before. I've thought ahead, and planned for September. I did it in 2010 and I did it again this year. I tried not to, I really did, but it happened.
For many people, September is the real start to a new year. The September to June year...school. Not only is my daughter headed into grade 3 this year, but September brings my husband returning to work in the classroom each fall. Most years I actually look forward to this. I like to get back to our regular schedule, with routines and set schedules in place. I find it helps me stay grounded.
As a babyloss mom, I've learned not to plan for many things. I learned that planning ahead doesn't always help. I learned that the hard way.
When pregnant with James, I planned a lot about the first year in my head. We had moved when we were pregnant with him, so our daughter would be starting kindergarten in our new neighbourhood. We would meet new people, as we walked to school. I remember thinking how I would enjoy walking her to school, pushing the stroller with her baby brother inside. I was glad I was going to be on maternity leave for her kindergarten year. It would be a good transition year, for both of us. Sadly, that did not happen. She started kindergarten that year, but there was no baby stroller walking with her to school. Instead, there was a mom who drove her daughter to school as close to the bell as possible so that I could race back home to bed as soon as I dropped her off. That mom tried to avoid eye contact with other moms because she knew how painful those first conversations were going to be. The conversations when you meet other parents: "how many kids do you have?", "what grades are your kids in?", "is she an only child?" ...those questions. I couldn't avoid all contact, no matter how hard I tried. So, over time I met a few other moms, mostly due to their persistance of saying hello, and I'm not one to not say hello if someone says hello to me. At first, I took what I thought was the easy road and just agreed that Marissa was my only child. It tore me apart though, not acknowledging my precious son, who I'd held in my arms just months prior. I felt a lot of guilt, for a long time. Slowly as I got to know a few moms, I shared a little bit more of my story with them, and that I had a son as well who had been stillborn. I am so thankful for those handful of moms who made me feel safe enough to share. These are the same moms I stand with now, a few years later at drop-off and pick-up. I must admit, I still try to avoid too many conversations with moms I don't know, as those new conversations are still tough for me.
That was September 2010. Here we are, three years later, September 2013. My planning in my head earlier this year was that I would begin my maternity leave at the beginning of this month. Marissa and I would have some time transitioning into grade 3, and we anticipated her brother joining us mid-late September (he was due October 11, but 36 weeks had been our goal). I would most likely not be walking her to school this month, but was looking ahead to October. Once baby had arrived, we would do that walk together, that one I dreamed of doing back in 2010, pushing her brother in the stroller, walking her to school. That won't be happening again this September.
September has to be planned differently again this year. I need to re-think the plan, re-word the plan. I myself am not just beginning my maternity leave this month, rather, I soon will be finishing my maternity leave, returning to work mid-October. I look today at the month ahead of me, and I ask myself, what do I do? I have this whole month that is mine and mine alone.
Alone.
That is what scares me. That is what is giving me some anxiety right now.
Zachary was born still on June 15. Chris only worked a few days at the end of June, and has been off all summer. Marissa finished school at the end of June, so has been home all summer. My parents were here for the first few weeks after Zach was born and we have been blessed to spend quite a bit of time with them this summer. Add all this up, and I have not been alone, not one day, since Zach died.
This year, September doesn't bring anticipation as it was planned. It brings "alone".
So, in looking ahead to the month of September, I have made a new plan...yes another plan!
My plan is ME. I am calling it a month for me! I've decided that I will not repeat September 2010. I will not race home to go back to bed after taking my daughter to school. My plan is simple and not at all complete. My plan is to let September flow, take each day, each moment as it comes. I plan on walking to school some days. I plan on getting back to the gym. I plan on getting ready for the gym each morning and going there or to a park for a walk right after school drop-off. This way I am not going home to be alone there quite so early in the day. I plan on having tea or lunch dates with friends when it works in our schedules. I plan on working outside in the yard. And I plan on getting creative, working on some scrapbooking and mixed media art projects that I have been wanting to delve into. I plan on cooking fresh, healthy dinners for my family. I plan on having one goal each morning that I have for the day. I will not plan these ahead of time, but rather decide that day what it looks like. Some days may be bigger or smaller goals than other days. After accomplishing my exercise and my goal for the day, if I feel like having a nap, I will. It won't be an every day thing, or an all day thing, it will be a sometimes I just feel like a nap kind of thing. This is a month that I want to look back on and say, yeah, I had a month all to myself, all for myself, and feel like I used the time on my own to help me move through my grief.
So there it is, my new September 2013 plan. Not how I had imagined or planned for...but a plan nonetheless.
For many people, September is the real start to a new year. The September to June year...school. Not only is my daughter headed into grade 3 this year, but September brings my husband returning to work in the classroom each fall. Most years I actually look forward to this. I like to get back to our regular schedule, with routines and set schedules in place. I find it helps me stay grounded.
As a babyloss mom, I've learned not to plan for many things. I learned that planning ahead doesn't always help. I learned that the hard way.
When pregnant with James, I planned a lot about the first year in my head. We had moved when we were pregnant with him, so our daughter would be starting kindergarten in our new neighbourhood. We would meet new people, as we walked to school. I remember thinking how I would enjoy walking her to school, pushing the stroller with her baby brother inside. I was glad I was going to be on maternity leave for her kindergarten year. It would be a good transition year, for both of us. Sadly, that did not happen. She started kindergarten that year, but there was no baby stroller walking with her to school. Instead, there was a mom who drove her daughter to school as close to the bell as possible so that I could race back home to bed as soon as I dropped her off. That mom tried to avoid eye contact with other moms because she knew how painful those first conversations were going to be. The conversations when you meet other parents: "how many kids do you have?", "what grades are your kids in?", "is she an only child?" ...those questions. I couldn't avoid all contact, no matter how hard I tried. So, over time I met a few other moms, mostly due to their persistance of saying hello, and I'm not one to not say hello if someone says hello to me. At first, I took what I thought was the easy road and just agreed that Marissa was my only child. It tore me apart though, not acknowledging my precious son, who I'd held in my arms just months prior. I felt a lot of guilt, for a long time. Slowly as I got to know a few moms, I shared a little bit more of my story with them, and that I had a son as well who had been stillborn. I am so thankful for those handful of moms who made me feel safe enough to share. These are the same moms I stand with now, a few years later at drop-off and pick-up. I must admit, I still try to avoid too many conversations with moms I don't know, as those new conversations are still tough for me.
That was September 2010. Here we are, three years later, September 2013. My planning in my head earlier this year was that I would begin my maternity leave at the beginning of this month. Marissa and I would have some time transitioning into grade 3, and we anticipated her brother joining us mid-late September (he was due October 11, but 36 weeks had been our goal). I would most likely not be walking her to school this month, but was looking ahead to October. Once baby had arrived, we would do that walk together, that one I dreamed of doing back in 2010, pushing her brother in the stroller, walking her to school. That won't be happening again this September.
September has to be planned differently again this year. I need to re-think the plan, re-word the plan. I myself am not just beginning my maternity leave this month, rather, I soon will be finishing my maternity leave, returning to work mid-October. I look today at the month ahead of me, and I ask myself, what do I do? I have this whole month that is mine and mine alone.
Alone.
That is what scares me. That is what is giving me some anxiety right now.
Zachary was born still on June 15. Chris only worked a few days at the end of June, and has been off all summer. Marissa finished school at the end of June, so has been home all summer. My parents were here for the first few weeks after Zach was born and we have been blessed to spend quite a bit of time with them this summer. Add all this up, and I have not been alone, not one day, since Zach died.
This year, September doesn't bring anticipation as it was planned. It brings "alone".
So, in looking ahead to the month of September, I have made a new plan...yes another plan!
My plan is ME. I am calling it a month for me! I've decided that I will not repeat September 2010. I will not race home to go back to bed after taking my daughter to school. My plan is simple and not at all complete. My plan is to let September flow, take each day, each moment as it comes. I plan on walking to school some days. I plan on getting back to the gym. I plan on getting ready for the gym each morning and going there or to a park for a walk right after school drop-off. This way I am not going home to be alone there quite so early in the day. I plan on having tea or lunch dates with friends when it works in our schedules. I plan on working outside in the yard. And I plan on getting creative, working on some scrapbooking and mixed media art projects that I have been wanting to delve into. I plan on cooking fresh, healthy dinners for my family. I plan on having one goal each morning that I have for the day. I will not plan these ahead of time, but rather decide that day what it looks like. Some days may be bigger or smaller goals than other days. After accomplishing my exercise and my goal for the day, if I feel like having a nap, I will. It won't be an every day thing, or an all day thing, it will be a sometimes I just feel like a nap kind of thing. This is a month that I want to look back on and say, yeah, I had a month all to myself, all for myself, and feel like I used the time on my own to help me move through my grief.
So there it is, my new September 2013 plan. Not how I had imagined or planned for...but a plan nonetheless.
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