Four years

It is hard to imagine we have lived without you for four years.  You were here, then you were gone.  You lived, you died, then you were born.  It was too fast.  You touched our lives in such a special way.  We held you and kissed you and we said goodbye to you.

Then we had to keep living.

This was the hard part.

It took a long time to come out of the darkness that appeared the day you were born.  You did not create this darkness.  In fact, you were the glimmer of light that led us through our days.

For so long, we didn't know how to grieve your loss.  We kept you inside our hearts and inside the walls of our house.  We did not share you, or your story.  We didn't have the words.

For so long it felt like others thought you were the bad thing that happened to us in our lives.  Few people would speak your name, or acknowledge you as our child.  Mommy is here to tell you that you were not the bad thing that happened to us.  You are our son, and we are proud of you! 

You were our miracle.  You brought us so much joy and happiness.  You lived a short life, but we know you felt our love.  We know you still do.

I do not get to see you.  But I feel you.
I do not get to hear you.  But I feel you.
I do not get to hold you.  But I feel you.

There are no trucks or superheroes in our house.  There is no little boy running around with a soccer ball or hockey stick.  There are no tiny muddy tracks through the house.  There are no sticky fingers to wipe or scraped knees to fix.  There is no little boy to take to preschool.  I do not get to parent you in the physical world.

But you are here.  You live within us.  You are the butterflies that come to visit.  You are the dragonflies at the cabin.  You are the birds soaring through the air.  You are the waves crashing against the shore and the leaves blowing in the wind.  You are the buds of flowers in the spring.  You are the feeling of warmth hugging me when I need to feel your presence.

365 days in a year times 4 years (plus 1 for leap year) is 1461 sleeps without you.  Each night I talk with you and send you my love.  Each night I long for you to be sleeping cozy in your room.  I know you are not there, and you never will be...yet you are.

You are here, and you always will be.  You are my son, and I am your mom. 

I love you my dear sweet boy, no longer a baby, but a little boy...one who should be running and jumping and causing mischief.  Wherever you are, I am holding you tight, and wishing you a happy birthday 4 year old.  We will be singing you happy birthday and eating cake with you today as we celebrate the day you were born.  To the moon and back James, we love you, we love you and we love you more.

XOXOXO